I was so depressed. I felt like I was drowning. I wasn’t present in my own body. I was blank. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t remember things I had just read, things that I had just saw, things that I had done. I barely remember the year. And when I was depressed enough to consider ending things, when I saw my grades slipping from A’s to F’s, I tried to seek help. Not every day, but when I had a moment of almost clear thought. My mom tried to tell me the feeling was normal- even after I explained the hallucinations.

Photography was something I had enjoyed for most of my life. And I pushed myself back into it. I think it was the only thing that held me off until I got treatment. A while after I started healing, after counselling, medications, and photography helped me to start healing, I started Rainy Day Pictures.

Keeping with photography and treatment helped me out of the deepest part of darkness. And continuing photography helped when I started slipping again, it helped with loss, it helped when I didn’t have anyone, and it helped through an extremely scary and difficult pregnancy. 

Almost a year ago I started Rainy Day Pictures, and looking at my first pictures to my newest I see such a huge improvement. I’m so proud of what I have done in a year. It brings me a great deal happiness. 

I wish everyone going through something like I did had something like photography is to me. Depression is such an awful thing- it eats you alive, it sucks you into a darkness, it leaves you empty and without a voice, it steals any joy in anything. Photography was my loophole, it was the exception. It was the very dim glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

It’s weird to think of where I was, and where I am now. Treatment helped, but with something to give me drive again, and at least one person to be my crutch, I am so much better. I still have days of sadness, but nothing like the depression. And when I do have those days, photography and now my newborn son are what keep me pushing forward. 

I’m so thankful for my photography. I can’t wait to watch it grow and see where it goes, and where I can go with it.

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