They can’t get any results from my biopsy from like two weeks ago. So now they have to remove the whole mass. They said they would rather not wait until after I have the baby. But said they don’t think I should worry. I’m sure they wouldn’t say that if they saw anything to hint at something serious- so I’ll try to just forget about it for now.

I went for what was supposed to be my last appointment with the specialists for everything that has been going on with the baby. I went in assuming they would saying the same thing as the last two appointments, that the fluid was gone. ‘We don’t know why it was there to begin with or why it disappeared. But it’s a good sign.’

But no- the fluid is back. Maternal Fetal Medicine is now taking over all of my care, and we will be delivering at Primary Childrens Hospital. We still don’t know the cause. I just want him to be okay..

I’m waiting for them to put the monitor on my stomach to listen to his heart beat. She said we will start doing this weekly, and that will help us get more information to choose when to induce me, and what to plan for. She mentioned still birth again, but I don’t think she thinks it’s a huge possibility.. I wish I remember everything she had said. It was only fifteen minutes ago.. but I think I was kind of shocked how this appointment turned out. I thought it would be our last time here. Things don’t look hopeless like they had before. But I thought things were on a normal track now. Instead we will plan to deliver at the university, right next to primary children’s hospital, like we had before. I don’t know how to expect this to turn out.

I don’t go to anyone to talk. I try not to whine. Even on here. But I hate this feeling. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to feel so worthless anymore. Maybe when I can take my meds again this will get easier.. I just wish I was okay to open up to someone. 

• Pregnant me: *lying on the bed- book next to me*
• Boyfriend: *stares at book*
• Boyfriend: "What To Expect When Your Expecting"... I don't know, a baby?!

You can’t replace a face like you can a mask. The face I was given is the face I must have. The face I was given is the face I must wear. I told myself that this face would have to do. I told myself this face was alright. This face wasn’t changing, so my idea of it must. I convinced myself that this face was nice. There is beauty in everyone, I had started to find it. I thought I was average, nothing great, but not to bad. It’s too bad that I can lie but pictures don’t. I can lie but the mirror wont. I can cry but the face wont change. The picture tells me what I tried to avoid. This face is not pretty. This face is not nice. This face is the face of the ugly inside.

Anonymous said:
Did you find out about your lymph node?? I'm so sorry your worried :( I got one a couple of days ago and im going to the doctor tomorrow to get it checked out but im really scared its going to be cancer.. i have 2 behind my ear and it might be connected to the cold im getting? any advice? thanks

I have a biopsy next week and they will send it for testing. So for now I still don’t know what’s going on. I’ve had it for about three months now. I am only really concernced because this isn’t the first time I’ve gotten one, my grandma had lymphoma, and I have other symptoms. But the symptoms of lymphoma can be because of other things, so I’m trying not to freak out too much just yet.
Last year I had one that appeared, but just went away on its own after a few weeks. So I wouldn’t get too worried it could still disappear, especially where you said you have a cold. Your lymph nodes will often swell when your sick. 
I am the kind of person who gets really worried over things like this, so I know it’s scary, but the best advice I would give is to try and remember that lymph nodes can swell and it usually is just your immune systems normal response to things like colds, bug bites, or even the deodorant that you use. Try to stay positive for now, because odds are in my case and yours that it isn’t cancer. 
I hope that helps, and that your case isn’t anything serious. <3  

I am working on my photography again.

I don’t know why I stopped for so long, but this empty feeling is just getting worse with me not doing anything at all.

Photography is my passion, and I can’t explain how unmotivated and just pretty much worthless you have to feel to drop what helps you. So you guys should check these out. :)

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